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Christmas Pantomime!
In the UK there is a tradition of the children's Christmas Pantomime, or Panto. This is usually a fairytale, with baddies, pantomime dames (played outrageously by a man) fireworks and awful jokes.
I now proudly present...
~ Cloudarella ~
~ The Final Fantasy Advent Children Christmas Pantomime ~
The Company:
Cloud ~ Cloudarella
Reno ~ Buttons
Vincent ~ Fairy Chaosmother
Rufus ~ Baron ShinRa
Sephiroth ~ The Wicked Stepmother
Loz, Yazoo, Kadaj ~ The Offspring
Zack ~ Prince Charming
Rude, Tseng, Elena, Tifa ~ Assorted mice and rats
Cid ~ the Pumpkin
~ Scene One ~
{A kitchen with a large open fire. Cloudarella is kneeling and cleaning the grate. He sighs and mops his soot-smudged forehead, sitting back and wrapping his arms about his knees.}
Cloudarella: {sighing} Ever since my father, Baron ShinRa married my stepmother, the beautiful but icy Sephiroth, I have had to work here in the kitchen, cleaning and cooking. She SAYS it's training me to be a SOLDIER, but all I want to do is wear pretty clothes and shop. My only friends are the mice and the rats. Oh, here they come now for their crumbs. {holds out his hand}
{enter Rude, Tseng and Elena, squeaking}
Cloudarella: Now, now, don't be greedy...
Buttons Reno: {enters dressed in black jacket adorned with various button badges, saying 'Yo', 'Turks do it with Pretty Explosions', 'I Heart ShinRa' etc} Hey, Cloudarella, yo...did you forget your old friend Buttons Reno? {looks dejected}
Cloudarella: {leaping up and throwing his arms around his friend} Oh Buttons, how could I forget you?! You are the only one who ever bothers to come and visit me down here in the kitchen. {getting up and sitting on the kitchen table, legs swinging} Come and sit by me and tell me the news? How are my step-...offspring?
Buttons Reno: {Sitting next to Cloudarella} Yazoo and Kadaj and...the other one I can NEVER remember the name of? They are excited...unfortunately, and spending all their time trying out hair products for some gig that Prince Charming has got going...well, Yazoo and Kadaj are anyway....the other one...{frowns as if trying to recall the name and shakes his head}...anyway, the other one just pouts and whines about wanting hair extensions.
Cloudarella: {giggles} Oh Buttons, you are funny. [sighs wistfully} I wonder if I would be able to go to the gig....? {sighs again} Ah well, I know it's impossible. I won't think about it, I'll only get disappointed and then depressed, and then I'll start drinking and using illegal substances again.
Buttons Reno: {hugs Cloudarella} Awwww, never mind Cloudarella, I'll always love you, even if you DO bear a strong resemblance to Oliver Twist.
Buttons Reno: {sings 'Consider Yourself At Home'}
Cloudarella: {laughs and then kisses him shyly on the cheek} Oh you always cheer me up Buttons, you're so funny and cute and silly and...
Buttons Reno: {scowls slightly} Hey, I'm not just the comic relief character you know? I AM a trained hit man for ShinRa and not beyond a spot of spying and urban demolition...er...yo.
Cloudarella: {Looks puzzled then smiles brightly} Oh...another JOKE! {giggles helplessly until Buttons Reno smacks him}
{enter Loz, Yazoo, Kadaj and Sephiroth in full pantomime dame costume}
Sephiroth: CLOUDARELLA! You know better than to sit on the table gossiping with the boot boy! Get to work!
Reno Button: {blows a kiss to Cloudarella and pokes tongue out at Sephiroth behind his back. Cloudarella giggles and Reno Buttons leaves the stage}
Yazoo: Mummy-Sephi dearest, I desperwately need new stwaighteners for my hair...my old ones are so bad for the condition. {peers at split ends mournfully}
Sephiroth: Of course you can have them my pet, after all we can't have you looking like that ragamuffin Cloudarella for the Prince Charming's gig tonight, can we? {pets Yazoo indulgently and glares at Cloudarella} {addresses Cloudarella scornfully} Do you NEVER brush your hair child?
Cloudarella: But Sephiroth, I haven't a comb or a brush, he took it...{points to Loz who is sulking in the corner}
Loz: {gives Cloudarella the finger behind Sephiroth's back and then looks innocently at Sephiroth} It isn't true, Cloudarella wouldn't know one end of a brush from the other...and in any case, I don't need a comb, my hair is naturally perfect and self-gelling. Throw me across a room, tip me upside down, kick the shi...I mean, attack me and I can guarantee it will stay in place.
Kadaj: {sniggers} That's because it's short, unlike the our beautiful, silver hair. {tosses his hair back artfully}
Loz: {rounding on Kadaj} AND WHO'S FAULT IS THAT? YOU were the one who cut it while I was asleep! {leaps on him and starts a fight, Yazoo joins in}
Sephiroth: {indulgently} Boys, boys! Now stop fighting, we have to decide on what you are going to wear to the gig tonight.
{Loz, Yazoo and Kadaj all stop fighting and sit up looking expectantly at Sephiroth}
Yazoo: I thought I would wear my black leather jump suit.
Kadaj: Oh but I was going to wear mine! Now we'll clash!
Loz: Actually...now you come to mention it, have we actually got any other clothes?
Sephiroth: {stuffily} There is nothing wrong with black leather, it is hardwearing, elegant and sophisticated. All you need to do is dress it up with few pearls, a smattering of diamonds my dears and you will be the most looked at people at the event.
Cloudarella: {muttering} Yeah and for all the wrong reasons.
Sephiroth: {sighs} Now you see Cloudarella, that is EXACTLY the attitude that gets you nowhere, and certainly not to the gig tonight. Come my pretties, let's go and see what mummy Seph can find in his jewellery box. {Sweeps the three offspring out leaving Cloudarella alone}
Cloudarella: {sobbing in front of the fireplace} It's so unfair. I have black leather, I even have a nice woolly sweater too, one that doesn't have holes in it. OK, so I know it hasn't got any sleeves, but we couldn't afford them...not before Baron ShinRa, my father, married Sephiroth.
Baron ShinRa: Helloooo? Did someone call my name? {flounces in dressed in white velvet and lace and waving a silk, lace edged handkerchief}
Cloudarella: Daddy! {rushes towards the Baron, arms outstretched}
Baron ShinRa: {backs away hurriedly, holding out his hands} Hey, HEY! Mind the threads dude! Dirty hands? White is a bastard to keep clean.
Cloudarella: {Smiles nervously and stands still} Oh, sorry Daddy, my mistake. {admiringly} You do look pretty tonight.
Baron ShinRa: Honey, I ALWAYS look pretty...but yeah...{twirls around} I'm off to Prince Charming's gig tonight, got to look my best.
Cloudarella: {looking crestfallen and disappointed} But Daddy, you were my last hope of getting to go...won't you take me with you?
Baron ShinRa: {looks aghast} What? If everyone sees you they'll realise I'm a LOT older than I look if I've got a son your age! No way! See ya later Cloudarella, and don't wait up! {leaves}
{Stage darkens ~ spotlight on Cloudarella}
Cloudarella: {sighs} Oh woe is me, alas alack and all that stuff. I am never going to get to the gig...I am doomed to spend the rest of my miserable life looking like Dickensian street-urchin and clearing up the mess everyone else leaves behind. 'Go here Cloudarella', 'take this to so and so Cloudarella', 'kill the baddy Cloudarella'...will I never have fun for myself? {sighs again and rests chin on hand} I so WISH I could go to the gig, I WISH I could look pretty in black leather like my step-...things. I WISH I could meet Prince Charming...
{Flash of red light, puff of smoke and eerie, electronic Japanese-style music ~ Fairy Chaosmother appears in customary tattered red cloak ~ stands, arms folded and looking broody}
Cloudarella: {gasps in shock and springs to his feet} What...? Who...?
Fairy Chaosmother: {smiling and springing up to sit cross legged on the table} Now, you really must try to calm yourself. Take deep breaths...try to find your centre...your balance. If you were more aware of your chakras, your yin and yan...you would be far more able to deal with the rejection of your father and perceived replacement of your birth parent with the Baron's present choice of partner. Do you feel angry with the disappearance of said parent? Do you feel an overwhelming sense of guilt? Do you secretly yearn for the Baron's attention yourself? This is quite common and nothing to be ashamed of, in fact...
Cloudarella: Excuse me...
Fairy Chaosmother: {continuing seriously, fingers steepled} ...it is perfectly normal for a young lad to wish to replace his father...do you have feelings for Sephiroth? Perhaps this is why you wish to attend Prince Charming's gig as you see it as an opportunity to...
Cloudarella: {louder} EXCUSE ME...
Fairy Chaosmother: {looking startled} Sorry?
Cloudarella: Who ARE you, and why are you sitting on the kitchen table?
Fairy Chaosmother: {frowning} Why, I'm your Fairy Chaosmother of course. I've been watching over you since you were a child...
Cloudarella: {looking cross} Then why the f...I mean, why haven't I seen you before?
Fairy Chaosmother: {a little indignant} I do have other patients to attend to you know...anyway, why be so anxious now. This is merely separation anxiety brought about by the loss of your parent at an early age. If you would like to read this small leaflet I have prepared, and carry out a few simple exercises each day...breathe in...hold...breathe out...breathe in...hold...breathe out...
Cloudarella: Can I just interrupt here a moment and ask if this has anything to do with me ever getting to meet Prince Charming?
Fairy Chaosmother: {gold hand twitches slightly at the constant interruption ~ smiles sweetly at Cloudarella and speaks through gritted teeth} Why child, I am here to help you. Your wish is my command. I just...I...sometimes I wish...{shudders and stretches crick in neck, muttering}...you know, I really would like to just...talk about things instead of...oh SHI... {twitches violently and falls off the back of the table in a puff of smoke and reappears with black leather wings and a scowl ~ folds arms crossly} OK, you’ve got what you wanted, you get a damned wish...I just...you know ONE day I’d love someone to try therapy instead. You wanna go to this gig? Right. {waves chainsaw that has appeared in his hand} Go get me some rats, mice and that pumpkin with attitude that I saw in the vegetable basket outside.
Cloudarella: {rather nervously runs about gathering the requested items ~ Rude, Tseng, Tifa and Elena scurry around, Pumpkin Cid sits cross-legged in the middle of the floor, smoking a cigarette, mug of tea in hand} I’ve got what you asked for.
Fairy Chaosmother: Hmmm...not perfect, but they’ll do. {waves chainsaw over them and beats leathery wings a few times} Hojo ShinRa, Yo de ho, Cloudarella to the gig must GO! {flash of red light and the stage darkens briefly ~ lights return to reveal two footmen; one bald with dark glasses, one serious with long black hair, two white ponies; one with black mane, one with blonde, and a rather ramshackle delivery cart that has seen better days, with the name ‘Highwind’ printed on the side}
Cloudarella: {looks a little disappointed but smiles brightly} Ah...er...thanks...
Fairy Chaosmother: {glaring} Look, the raw materials weren’t THAT brilliant OK? You want the gold coach, you bring me a more sophisticated pumpkin.
Cloudarella: {reassuringly and with gratitude} No, no, it’s fine...they’re all fine...except...{looks down at shabby clothes and dirty feet and hands} Well, I can’t get to the gig looking like this, can I? They’ll never let me through the door.
Fairy Chaosmother: {sighing} Ah, the impatience of youth...I haven’t finished yet. Though actually knowing the sort of gigs that Prince Charming normally puts on, you’ll look perfectly at home with all the other emos...but we DO want him to notice you. OK... {waves chainsaw again} Hojo ShinRa, Yo de holl, Cloudarella looks a DOLL! {flash of green light and stage darkens once more ~ lights return to reveal Cloudarella in tight shiny leather jumpsuit, fishnet stockings, biker boots and singing ‘You’re the One that I Want’}
Cloudarella: {spins round admiring himself and leaps into the delivery cart} I CAN go to the gig!
Fairy Chaosmother: Yeah sure you can, BUT you MUST return home by midnight. One minute past and you will find yourself in the company of the rats, mice and sitting on a pumpkin. Now, be good, enjoy yourself and be back in time. {waves chainsaw which ejects a shower of pretty green and red sparks}
{Cloudarella leaves the stage on the delivery cart, waving to the audience ~ curtain falls}
~ Scene Two ~
{A lavish ballroom decorated with fake cobwebs, skulls and plastic bats ~ heavy metal music coming out of loudspeakers ~ Prince Zack is sitting on a throne looking bored as a succession of young women are paraded before him}
Prince Zack: {sighing} Honestly, you would think everyone would have realised I prefer guys by now? I mean, short of wearing a t-shirt bearing a slogan I've done everything else I can think of to let them know. {counts on fingers} I've spent DAYS at the gym working out and ogling all the other SOLDIERs, I've paraded around in tight black leather with my arms bare, I practice with my big sword at every opportunity...{Zack is interrupted by a fanfare of trumpets ~ Sephiroth, Yazoo, Kadaj and Loz are announced}
Sephiroth: {sweeping in, dressed head to foot in silver lame and followed by the offspring} Here we are at last my darlings, now strut your stuff and go get 'em! I want at least one of you to get Prince Charming tonight.
{Yazoo, Kadaj and Loz all nod eagerly and disperse, leaving Sephiroth centre stage}
Sephiroth: {stepping forward and speaking directly to the audience} And if they fail, then I will have him. I'm bored with Baron ShinRa, and sick and tired of his whining brat. {Boos and hisses are appropriate here}
{Another fanfare and stage darkens, spotlight on the entrance as Cloudarella appears ~ Prince Zack sits up with sudden interest}
{Offstage announcement} Prince Strifella from Shinramania!
{Cloudarella swirls round and bows gracefully before Prince Zack, who shakes off Yazoo, Kadaj and Loz (who are clinging to his legs by this time) and steps forward to take Cloudarella's hands in his}
Prince Zack: Well, hello! You're a pretty little thing aren't you? Do you fancy a ride on my big bike?
Cloudarella: {coyly} Sorry, I don't ride on a first date...maybe some other time?
Prince Zack: {grinning} Sure...tell me, where have you been all my life? Why haven't I seen you before?
Cloudarella: {rolling his eyes} You really DO know all the cheesy pick-up lines don't you?
Prince Zack: {spinning Cloudarella around} Only the best for you darlin'!
{Cloudarella and Prince Zack laugh and dance together ~ glittery disco ball lowers from the ceiling ~ party poppers are let off ~ a clock begins to strike, quietly at first but then louder as it approaches 12}
Cloudarella: {panicking and pushing Prince Zack away, who is trying to kiss him} Midnight?! No, no stop...I'm sorry, I have to go! {dashes out, after first spending a considerable time cursing over unfastening his boot buckles and zips and leaving it centre stage}
Prince Zack: {crestfallen} Wait, don't go...we haven't had the mulled wine and the cheesey biscuits yet!...{moves to centre stage and picks up Cloudarella's boot, cradling it in his hands} He's gone..and all I have left is his dainty shoe...{holds up heavy biker boot} How will I ever find him again?
{Stage darkens ~ mournful violin music plays ~ closing spotlight on Prince Zack~ curtain falls}
~ Scene Three ~
{Baron Rufus ShinRa's residence ~ the salon ~ Baron ShinRa is sitting on the floor beside Sephiroth who lounges on the sofa. Yazoo, Kadaj and Loz run in fighting over a sheet of paper ~ Cloudarella is at the back of the stage, scrubbing the floor ~ Buttons Reno is leaning against the wall casually smoking a cigarette}
Sephiroth: Remnants, remnants! Please, calm down and tell me what has got you all so worked up?
Baron ShinRa: {muttering to the audience} I'm worked up, but he doesn't ask ME what the matter is....
Sephiroth: {swatting the Baron over the head} Excuse me? Mako enhanced hearing remember? And anyway, not tonight, I feel one of my destroy-the-entire-world headaches coming on. Now, boys, show Sephiroth what you have there in your grubby little fingers.
Kadaj: {shouting} It's MINE, I saw it first!
Yazoo: {pouting} But I'm prettier, I should have it!
Loz: {reaching over both their heads and snatching it} Tough on both of you, I've got it.
Reno: {moving over swiftly and snatching it from Loz and reading aloud} A Proclamation...All young gentlemen and remnants to present themselves before Prince Zack, known as 'Charming' to try on the boot left behind by the mysterious guest at last night's gig at the palace. The one the boot fits will be the Prince's Consort. Wow...hey it doesn't mention Turks!!!
Sephiroth: {swiping Reno round the back of the head} Of course it doesn't you stupid boy, Turks are expendable and only there for the comedic light relief. {To the Offspring, Kadaj, Yazoo and Loz} Now my pretties, go get yourself dressed in your finest er...black, figure hugging leather...not you Loz...you've been putting on weight, something loose and flattering for you dear...and come back here as quick as you can. The boot WILL fit one of you, and we WILL have Prince Zack join our happy little family. {audience may hiss and boo again here}
{Yazoo, Kadaj and Loz skip off giggling excitedly as Sephiroth rolls his eyes}
Sephiroth: {mutters} They are all such GIRLS.
Cloudarella: {steps forward nervously, wiping his hands on a cloth} Please....Seph...may I...?
Sephiroth: {turning and staring down at Cloud coldly} No you may not. Get back to work.
Baron ShinRa: But Sephi...darling...!
Sephiroth: WHAT did you just call me?
Baron ShinRa: {wincing} Um...S..Sephi?
Sephiroth: {standing to full 7ft height and looming over Baron ShinRa} You KNOW not to call me that. I will have to tend to you later. {assorted boos and hisses here}
Baron ShinRa: {nodding eagerly} Yes, yes, indeed my little sugar plum.
{Fanfare of trumpets and announcement is made offstage; 'Prepare to receive Prince Charming-Zack, who has arrived to test the feet of any person or remnant to find his missing partner!'}
{Enter Prince Zack, followed by a retinue made up of other cast members; Cid, Rude, Tifa, Elena and Tseng. Prince Zack takes centre stage with Rude and Tseng dressed in suits standing on either side}
Prince Zack: {bored} Well, come on then, let's get the show on the road. Line up and let me see your feet guys.
{Rude and Tseng step forward with a small stool and a cushion with a large biker boot on it. Characters line up as follows: Loz, Kadaj, Yazoo and Sephiroth. Zack sits down in chair brought to him by Elena and Tifa}
Loz: {steps forward eagerly, attempts to get boot on foot and fails. Steps back sulking and sniffing}
Yazoo: {rolling his eyes} Oh there he goes, waterworks again.
Loz: {poking out his tongue} I can't help it if I am sensitive!
Kadaj: {stepping forward to take his turn and muttering} Yeah, about as sensitive as a brick. {pokes his foot daintily into the boot and scowls as he can't get it on either} Huh, whoever can wear this is a freak!
Yazoo: {pushing Kadaj out of the way, grinning} My turn, let me show you how it's done. {tries to fit into the boot, takes it and shakes it and tries again. Sulks and throws it down in disgust, stepping aside with a furious expression}
Sephiroth: {green eyes gleaming, steps forward and sits on the low stool, reaching for the boot himself. Attempts to slip it on but can't get his foot inside. Takes teeny knife from the strap on his back and begins to cut the leather} It WILL fit, it WILL. {Usual hisses and boos}
Baron ShinRa: Hey, you can't do that, that's cheating!
Sephiroth: {raises an eyebrow and stares at Baron ShinRa} And?
Rude: {stepping forward and taking the boot from Sephiroth's hands} Hey dude. That's against the rules. {replaces the boot on the cushion}
Prince Zack: {sighing} Well, I guess that's it then, if there is no one else...
Cloudarella: Well actually...
Sephiroth, Yazoo, Kadaj and Loz altogether: ...NO!...
Buttons Reno: ...YO!
{Everyone present turns to look at Reno}
Reno: No...not me...Cloudarella...he should try it on.
Sephiroth, Yazoo, Kadaj and Loz: {protesting en masse} No, no way, not him, not Cloudarella!
Baron ShinRa: {standing up} Well why not? Let the kid have a chance. I mean if the boot DOES fit, at least he'll be out of our way.
Sephiroth, Yazoo, Kadaj and Loz: {looking at each other and grinning, nodding} Good point!
Cloudarella: {steps forward nervously and sits on footstool, slipping boot on perfectly} It fits!
Prince Zack: {gasps and grins} At last! But how come you look so different from the gig last night?
Fairy Chaosmother: {appears in a flash of red light and green smoke} That's because of me. As Cloudarella's therapist, I insisted that he dress to appeal last night, rather than making a statement about his own personal...
Entire Cast: {turning to Fairy Chaosmother} Oh shut up and make with the magic!
Fairy Chaosmother: {glares, unfolds black leather wings and waves chainsaw sulkily ~ flash of green light and red smoke and the stage darkens ~ lights return and Cloudarella is dressed in tight black velvet, hair spiked and sprinkled with gold dust}
Prince Zack: Wow! You look amazing!
Cloudarella: Thanks! So...gonna marry me then?
Prince Zack: {swooping Cloudarella into his arms and kissing him} Yeah, tomorrow morning, nine o'clock sharp!
{Assorted gasps and cheers. Sephiroth sulks until Baron ShinRa takes his arm to dance ~ Loz, Yazoo and Kadaj dance in a circle ~ Reno takes Rude’s hand, Cid winks at Fairy Chaosmother}
~ Finale ~
{Entire cast join in singing 'We're getting married in the morning!'}
Prince Zack: We're getting married in the morning! Ding dong!
The bells are gonna chime. Pull out the stopper!
Let's have a whopper! But get us to the church on time!
We gotta be there in the mornin'
Spruced up and lookin' in our prime.
boys, come and kiss us;
Show how you'll miss us.
But get us to the church on time!
If we are dancin' Roll up the floor.
If we are whistlin' Whewt us out the door!
For we're gettin' married in the mornin'
Ding dong! the bells are gonna chime.
Kick up a rumpus But don't lost the compass;
And get us to the church, Get us to the church,
For Gawd's sake, get us to the church on time!
Prince Zack and Everyone: We're getting married in the morning
Ding dong! the bells are gonna chime.
Prince Zack: Mako us or jail us, Stamp us and mail us.
All: But get us to the church on time!
We gotta be there in the morning
Spruced up and lookin' in our prime.
Prince Zack: Some Turk who's able, lift up the table,
All: And get em to the church on time!
Prince Zack: If we are flying, then shoot us down.
If we are wooin', get us out of town!
All: For we're getting married in the morning!
Ding dong! the bells are gonna chime.
Prince Zack: Feather and tar us;
Call out the SOLDIERs; But get us to the church.
All: Get us to the church...
Prince Zack: For Gawd's sake, get us to the church on time!
All: Starlight is reelin' home to bed now.
Mornin' is smearin' up the sky. Midgar is wakin'.
Daylight is breakin'. Good luck, old chums,
Good health, goodbye.
Prince Zack: We're gettin' married in the mornin'
Ding dong! the bells are gonna chime...
Hail and salute us, then haul off and boot us...
And get us to the church, Get us to the church...
For Gawd's sake, get us to the church on time!
{Curtain Falls}
~ Finis ~
I now proudly present...
Cloud ~ Cloudarella
Reno ~ Buttons
Vincent ~ Fairy Chaosmother
Rufus ~ Baron ShinRa
Sephiroth ~ The Wicked Stepmother
Loz, Yazoo, Kadaj ~ The Offspring
Zack ~ Prince Charming
Rude, Tseng, Elena, Tifa ~ Assorted mice and rats
Cid ~ the Pumpkin
~ Scene One ~
{A kitchen with a large open fire. Cloudarella is kneeling and cleaning the grate. He sighs and mops his soot-smudged forehead, sitting back and wrapping his arms about his knees.}
Cloudarella: {sighing} Ever since my father, Baron ShinRa married my stepmother, the beautiful but icy Sephiroth, I have had to work here in the kitchen, cleaning and cooking. She SAYS it's training me to be a SOLDIER, but all I want to do is wear pretty clothes and shop. My only friends are the mice and the rats. Oh, here they come now for their crumbs. {holds out his hand}
{enter Rude, Tseng and Elena, squeaking}
Cloudarella: Now, now, don't be greedy...
Buttons Reno: {enters dressed in black jacket adorned with various button badges, saying 'Yo', 'Turks do it with Pretty Explosions', 'I Heart ShinRa' etc} Hey, Cloudarella, yo...did you forget your old friend Buttons Reno? {looks dejected}
Cloudarella: {leaping up and throwing his arms around his friend} Oh Buttons, how could I forget you?! You are the only one who ever bothers to come and visit me down here in the kitchen. {getting up and sitting on the kitchen table, legs swinging} Come and sit by me and tell me the news? How are my step-...offspring?
Buttons Reno: {Sitting next to Cloudarella} Yazoo and Kadaj and...the other one I can NEVER remember the name of? They are excited...unfortunately, and spending all their time trying out hair products for some gig that Prince Charming has got going...well, Yazoo and Kadaj are anyway....the other one...{frowns as if trying to recall the name and shakes his head}...anyway, the other one just pouts and whines about wanting hair extensions.
Cloudarella: {giggles} Oh Buttons, you are funny. [sighs wistfully} I wonder if I would be able to go to the gig....? {sighs again} Ah well, I know it's impossible. I won't think about it, I'll only get disappointed and then depressed, and then I'll start drinking and using illegal substances again.
Buttons Reno: {hugs Cloudarella} Awwww, never mind Cloudarella, I'll always love you, even if you DO bear a strong resemblance to Oliver Twist.
Buttons Reno: {sings 'Consider Yourself At Home'}
Cloudarella: {laughs and then kisses him shyly on the cheek} Oh you always cheer me up Buttons, you're so funny and cute and silly and...
Buttons Reno: {scowls slightly} Hey, I'm not just the comic relief character you know? I AM a trained hit man for ShinRa and not beyond a spot of spying and urban demolition...er...yo.
Cloudarella: {Looks puzzled then smiles brightly} Oh...another JOKE! {giggles helplessly until Buttons Reno smacks him}
{enter Loz, Yazoo, Kadaj and Sephiroth in full pantomime dame costume}
Sephiroth: CLOUDARELLA! You know better than to sit on the table gossiping with the boot boy! Get to work!
Reno Button: {blows a kiss to Cloudarella and pokes tongue out at Sephiroth behind his back. Cloudarella giggles and Reno Buttons leaves the stage}
Yazoo: Mummy-Sephi dearest, I desperwately need new stwaighteners for my hair...my old ones are so bad for the condition. {peers at split ends mournfully}
Sephiroth: Of course you can have them my pet, after all we can't have you looking like that ragamuffin Cloudarella for the Prince Charming's gig tonight, can we? {pets Yazoo indulgently and glares at Cloudarella} {addresses Cloudarella scornfully} Do you NEVER brush your hair child?
Cloudarella: But Sephiroth, I haven't a comb or a brush, he took it...{points to Loz who is sulking in the corner}
Loz: {gives Cloudarella the finger behind Sephiroth's back and then looks innocently at Sephiroth} It isn't true, Cloudarella wouldn't know one end of a brush from the other...and in any case, I don't need a comb, my hair is naturally perfect and self-gelling. Throw me across a room, tip me upside down, kick the shi...I mean, attack me and I can guarantee it will stay in place.
Kadaj: {sniggers} That's because it's short, unlike the our beautiful, silver hair. {tosses his hair back artfully}
Loz: {rounding on Kadaj} AND WHO'S FAULT IS THAT? YOU were the one who cut it while I was asleep! {leaps on him and starts a fight, Yazoo joins in}
Sephiroth: {indulgently} Boys, boys! Now stop fighting, we have to decide on what you are going to wear to the gig tonight.
{Loz, Yazoo and Kadaj all stop fighting and sit up looking expectantly at Sephiroth}
Yazoo: I thought I would wear my black leather jump suit.
Kadaj: Oh but I was going to wear mine! Now we'll clash!
Loz: Actually...now you come to mention it, have we actually got any other clothes?
Sephiroth: {stuffily} There is nothing wrong with black leather, it is hardwearing, elegant and sophisticated. All you need to do is dress it up with few pearls, a smattering of diamonds my dears and you will be the most looked at people at the event.
Cloudarella: {muttering} Yeah and for all the wrong reasons.
Sephiroth: {sighs} Now you see Cloudarella, that is EXACTLY the attitude that gets you nowhere, and certainly not to the gig tonight. Come my pretties, let's go and see what mummy Seph can find in his jewellery box. {Sweeps the three offspring out leaving Cloudarella alone}
Cloudarella: {sobbing in front of the fireplace} It's so unfair. I have black leather, I even have a nice woolly sweater too, one that doesn't have holes in it. OK, so I know it hasn't got any sleeves, but we couldn't afford them...not before Baron ShinRa, my father, married Sephiroth.
Baron ShinRa: Helloooo? Did someone call my name? {flounces in dressed in white velvet and lace and waving a silk, lace edged handkerchief}
Cloudarella: Daddy! {rushes towards the Baron, arms outstretched}
Baron ShinRa: {backs away hurriedly, holding out his hands} Hey, HEY! Mind the threads dude! Dirty hands? White is a bastard to keep clean.
Cloudarella: {Smiles nervously and stands still} Oh, sorry Daddy, my mistake. {admiringly} You do look pretty tonight.
Baron ShinRa: Honey, I ALWAYS look pretty...but yeah...{twirls around} I'm off to Prince Charming's gig tonight, got to look my best.
Cloudarella: {looking crestfallen and disappointed} But Daddy, you were my last hope of getting to go...won't you take me with you?
Baron ShinRa: {looks aghast} What? If everyone sees you they'll realise I'm a LOT older than I look if I've got a son your age! No way! See ya later Cloudarella, and don't wait up! {leaves}
{Stage darkens ~ spotlight on Cloudarella}
Cloudarella: {sighs} Oh woe is me, alas alack and all that stuff. I am never going to get to the gig...I am doomed to spend the rest of my miserable life looking like Dickensian street-urchin and clearing up the mess everyone else leaves behind. 'Go here Cloudarella', 'take this to so and so Cloudarella', 'kill the baddy Cloudarella'...will I never have fun for myself? {sighs again and rests chin on hand} I so WISH I could go to the gig, I WISH I could look pretty in black leather like my step-...things. I WISH I could meet Prince Charming...
{Flash of red light, puff of smoke and eerie, electronic Japanese-style music ~ Fairy Chaosmother appears in customary tattered red cloak ~ stands, arms folded and looking broody}
Cloudarella: {gasps in shock and springs to his feet} What...? Who...?
Fairy Chaosmother: {smiling and springing up to sit cross legged on the table} Now, you really must try to calm yourself. Take deep breaths...try to find your centre...your balance. If you were more aware of your chakras, your yin and yan...you would be far more able to deal with the rejection of your father and perceived replacement of your birth parent with the Baron's present choice of partner. Do you feel angry with the disappearance of said parent? Do you feel an overwhelming sense of guilt? Do you secretly yearn for the Baron's attention yourself? This is quite common and nothing to be ashamed of, in fact...
Cloudarella: Excuse me...
Fairy Chaosmother: {continuing seriously, fingers steepled} ...it is perfectly normal for a young lad to wish to replace his father...do you have feelings for Sephiroth? Perhaps this is why you wish to attend Prince Charming's gig as you see it as an opportunity to...
Cloudarella: {louder} EXCUSE ME...
Fairy Chaosmother: {looking startled} Sorry?
Cloudarella: Who ARE you, and why are you sitting on the kitchen table?
Fairy Chaosmother: {frowning} Why, I'm your Fairy Chaosmother of course. I've been watching over you since you were a child...
Cloudarella: {looking cross} Then why the f...I mean, why haven't I seen you before?
Fairy Chaosmother: {a little indignant} I do have other patients to attend to you know...anyway, why be so anxious now. This is merely separation anxiety brought about by the loss of your parent at an early age. If you would like to read this small leaflet I have prepared, and carry out a few simple exercises each day...breathe in...hold...breathe out...breathe in...hold...breathe out...
Cloudarella: Can I just interrupt here a moment and ask if this has anything to do with me ever getting to meet Prince Charming?
Fairy Chaosmother: {gold hand twitches slightly at the constant interruption ~ smiles sweetly at Cloudarella and speaks through gritted teeth} Why child, I am here to help you. Your wish is my command. I just...I...sometimes I wish...{shudders and stretches crick in neck, muttering}...you know, I really would like to just...talk about things instead of...oh SHI... {twitches violently and falls off the back of the table in a puff of smoke and reappears with black leather wings and a scowl ~ folds arms crossly} OK, you’ve got what you wanted, you get a damned wish...I just...you know ONE day I’d love someone to try therapy instead. You wanna go to this gig? Right. {waves chainsaw that has appeared in his hand} Go get me some rats, mice and that pumpkin with attitude that I saw in the vegetable basket outside.
Cloudarella: {rather nervously runs about gathering the requested items ~ Rude, Tseng, Tifa and Elena scurry around, Pumpkin Cid sits cross-legged in the middle of the floor, smoking a cigarette, mug of tea in hand} I’ve got what you asked for.
Fairy Chaosmother: Hmmm...not perfect, but they’ll do. {waves chainsaw over them and beats leathery wings a few times} Hojo ShinRa, Yo de ho, Cloudarella to the gig must GO! {flash of red light and the stage darkens briefly ~ lights return to reveal two footmen; one bald with dark glasses, one serious with long black hair, two white ponies; one with black mane, one with blonde, and a rather ramshackle delivery cart that has seen better days, with the name ‘Highwind’ printed on the side}
Cloudarella: {looks a little disappointed but smiles brightly} Ah...er...thanks...
Fairy Chaosmother: {glaring} Look, the raw materials weren’t THAT brilliant OK? You want the gold coach, you bring me a more sophisticated pumpkin.
Cloudarella: {reassuringly and with gratitude} No, no, it’s fine...they’re all fine...except...{looks down at shabby clothes and dirty feet and hands} Well, I can’t get to the gig looking like this, can I? They’ll never let me through the door.
Fairy Chaosmother: {sighing} Ah, the impatience of youth...I haven’t finished yet. Though actually knowing the sort of gigs that Prince Charming normally puts on, you’ll look perfectly at home with all the other emos...but we DO want him to notice you. OK... {waves chainsaw again} Hojo ShinRa, Yo de holl, Cloudarella looks a DOLL! {flash of green light and stage darkens once more ~ lights return to reveal Cloudarella in tight shiny leather jumpsuit, fishnet stockings, biker boots and singing ‘You’re the One that I Want’}
Cloudarella: {spins round admiring himself and leaps into the delivery cart} I CAN go to the gig!
Fairy Chaosmother: Yeah sure you can, BUT you MUST return home by midnight. One minute past and you will find yourself in the company of the rats, mice and sitting on a pumpkin. Now, be good, enjoy yourself and be back in time. {waves chainsaw which ejects a shower of pretty green and red sparks}
{Cloudarella leaves the stage on the delivery cart, waving to the audience ~ curtain falls}
~ Scene Two ~
{A lavish ballroom decorated with fake cobwebs, skulls and plastic bats ~ heavy metal music coming out of loudspeakers ~ Prince Zack is sitting on a throne looking bored as a succession of young women are paraded before him}
Prince Zack: {sighing} Honestly, you would think everyone would have realised I prefer guys by now? I mean, short of wearing a t-shirt bearing a slogan I've done everything else I can think of to let them know. {counts on fingers} I've spent DAYS at the gym working out and ogling all the other SOLDIERs, I've paraded around in tight black leather with my arms bare, I practice with my big sword at every opportunity...{Zack is interrupted by a fanfare of trumpets ~ Sephiroth, Yazoo, Kadaj and Loz are announced}
Sephiroth: {sweeping in, dressed head to foot in silver lame and followed by the offspring} Here we are at last my darlings, now strut your stuff and go get 'em! I want at least one of you to get Prince Charming tonight.
{Yazoo, Kadaj and Loz all nod eagerly and disperse, leaving Sephiroth centre stage}
Sephiroth: {stepping forward and speaking directly to the audience} And if they fail, then I will have him. I'm bored with Baron ShinRa, and sick and tired of his whining brat. {Boos and hisses are appropriate here}
{Another fanfare and stage darkens, spotlight on the entrance as Cloudarella appears ~ Prince Zack sits up with sudden interest}
{Offstage announcement} Prince Strifella from Shinramania!
{Cloudarella swirls round and bows gracefully before Prince Zack, who shakes off Yazoo, Kadaj and Loz (who are clinging to his legs by this time) and steps forward to take Cloudarella's hands in his}
Prince Zack: Well, hello! You're a pretty little thing aren't you? Do you fancy a ride on my big bike?
Cloudarella: {coyly} Sorry, I don't ride on a first date...maybe some other time?
Prince Zack: {grinning} Sure...tell me, where have you been all my life? Why haven't I seen you before?
Cloudarella: {rolling his eyes} You really DO know all the cheesy pick-up lines don't you?
Prince Zack: {spinning Cloudarella around} Only the best for you darlin'!
{Cloudarella and Prince Zack laugh and dance together ~ glittery disco ball lowers from the ceiling ~ party poppers are let off ~ a clock begins to strike, quietly at first but then louder as it approaches 12}
Cloudarella: {panicking and pushing Prince Zack away, who is trying to kiss him} Midnight?! No, no stop...I'm sorry, I have to go! {dashes out, after first spending a considerable time cursing over unfastening his boot buckles and zips and leaving it centre stage}
Prince Zack: {crestfallen} Wait, don't go...we haven't had the mulled wine and the cheesey biscuits yet!...{moves to centre stage and picks up Cloudarella's boot, cradling it in his hands} He's gone..and all I have left is his dainty shoe...{holds up heavy biker boot} How will I ever find him again?
{Stage darkens ~ mournful violin music plays ~ closing spotlight on Prince Zack~ curtain falls}
~ Scene Three ~
{Baron Rufus ShinRa's residence ~ the salon ~ Baron ShinRa is sitting on the floor beside Sephiroth who lounges on the sofa. Yazoo, Kadaj and Loz run in fighting over a sheet of paper ~ Cloudarella is at the back of the stage, scrubbing the floor ~ Buttons Reno is leaning against the wall casually smoking a cigarette}
Sephiroth: Remnants, remnants! Please, calm down and tell me what has got you all so worked up?
Baron ShinRa: {muttering to the audience} I'm worked up, but he doesn't ask ME what the matter is....
Sephiroth: {swatting the Baron over the head} Excuse me? Mako enhanced hearing remember? And anyway, not tonight, I feel one of my destroy-the-entire-world headaches coming on. Now, boys, show Sephiroth what you have there in your grubby little fingers.
Kadaj: {shouting} It's MINE, I saw it first!
Yazoo: {pouting} But I'm prettier, I should have it!
Loz: {reaching over both their heads and snatching it} Tough on both of you, I've got it.
Reno: {moving over swiftly and snatching it from Loz and reading aloud} A Proclamation...All young gentlemen and remnants to present themselves before Prince Zack, known as 'Charming' to try on the boot left behind by the mysterious guest at last night's gig at the palace. The one the boot fits will be the Prince's Consort. Wow...hey it doesn't mention Turks!!!
Sephiroth: {swiping Reno round the back of the head} Of course it doesn't you stupid boy, Turks are expendable and only there for the comedic light relief. {To the Offspring, Kadaj, Yazoo and Loz} Now my pretties, go get yourself dressed in your finest er...black, figure hugging leather...not you Loz...you've been putting on weight, something loose and flattering for you dear...and come back here as quick as you can. The boot WILL fit one of you, and we WILL have Prince Zack join our happy little family. {audience may hiss and boo again here}
{Yazoo, Kadaj and Loz skip off giggling excitedly as Sephiroth rolls his eyes}
Sephiroth: {mutters} They are all such GIRLS.
Cloudarella: {steps forward nervously, wiping his hands on a cloth} Please....Seph...may I...?
Sephiroth: {turning and staring down at Cloud coldly} No you may not. Get back to work.
Baron ShinRa: But Sephi...darling...!
Sephiroth: WHAT did you just call me?
Baron ShinRa: {wincing} Um...S..Sephi?
Sephiroth: {standing to full 7ft height and looming over Baron ShinRa} You KNOW not to call me that. I will have to tend to you later. {assorted boos and hisses here}
Baron ShinRa: {nodding eagerly} Yes, yes, indeed my little sugar plum.
{Fanfare of trumpets and announcement is made offstage; 'Prepare to receive Prince Charming-Zack, who has arrived to test the feet of any person or remnant to find his missing partner!'}
{Enter Prince Zack, followed by a retinue made up of other cast members; Cid, Rude, Tifa, Elena and Tseng. Prince Zack takes centre stage with Rude and Tseng dressed in suits standing on either side}
Prince Zack: {bored} Well, come on then, let's get the show on the road. Line up and let me see your feet guys.
{Rude and Tseng step forward with a small stool and a cushion with a large biker boot on it. Characters line up as follows: Loz, Kadaj, Yazoo and Sephiroth. Zack sits down in chair brought to him by Elena and Tifa}
Loz: {steps forward eagerly, attempts to get boot on foot and fails. Steps back sulking and sniffing}
Yazoo: {rolling his eyes} Oh there he goes, waterworks again.
Loz: {poking out his tongue} I can't help it if I am sensitive!
Kadaj: {stepping forward to take his turn and muttering} Yeah, about as sensitive as a brick. {pokes his foot daintily into the boot and scowls as he can't get it on either} Huh, whoever can wear this is a freak!
Yazoo: {pushing Kadaj out of the way, grinning} My turn, let me show you how it's done. {tries to fit into the boot, takes it and shakes it and tries again. Sulks and throws it down in disgust, stepping aside with a furious expression}
Sephiroth: {green eyes gleaming, steps forward and sits on the low stool, reaching for the boot himself. Attempts to slip it on but can't get his foot inside. Takes teeny knife from the strap on his back and begins to cut the leather} It WILL fit, it WILL. {Usual hisses and boos}
Baron ShinRa: Hey, you can't do that, that's cheating!
Sephiroth: {raises an eyebrow and stares at Baron ShinRa} And?
Rude: {stepping forward and taking the boot from Sephiroth's hands} Hey dude. That's against the rules. {replaces the boot on the cushion}
Prince Zack: {sighing} Well, I guess that's it then, if there is no one else...
Cloudarella: Well actually...
Sephiroth, Yazoo, Kadaj and Loz altogether: ...NO!...
Buttons Reno: ...YO!
{Everyone present turns to look at Reno}
Reno: No...not me...Cloudarella...he should try it on.
Sephiroth, Yazoo, Kadaj and Loz: {protesting en masse} No, no way, not him, not Cloudarella!
Baron ShinRa: {standing up} Well why not? Let the kid have a chance. I mean if the boot DOES fit, at least he'll be out of our way.
Sephiroth, Yazoo, Kadaj and Loz: {looking at each other and grinning, nodding} Good point!
Cloudarella: {steps forward nervously and sits on footstool, slipping boot on perfectly} It fits!
Prince Zack: {gasps and grins} At last! But how come you look so different from the gig last night?
Fairy Chaosmother: {appears in a flash of red light and green smoke} That's because of me. As Cloudarella's therapist, I insisted that he dress to appeal last night, rather than making a statement about his own personal...
Entire Cast: {turning to Fairy Chaosmother} Oh shut up and make with the magic!
Fairy Chaosmother: {glares, unfolds black leather wings and waves chainsaw sulkily ~ flash of green light and red smoke and the stage darkens ~ lights return and Cloudarella is dressed in tight black velvet, hair spiked and sprinkled with gold dust}
Prince Zack: Wow! You look amazing!
Cloudarella: Thanks! So...gonna marry me then?
Prince Zack: {swooping Cloudarella into his arms and kissing him} Yeah, tomorrow morning, nine o'clock sharp!
{Assorted gasps and cheers. Sephiroth sulks until Baron ShinRa takes his arm to dance ~ Loz, Yazoo and Kadaj dance in a circle ~ Reno takes Rude’s hand, Cid winks at Fairy Chaosmother}
~ Finale ~
{Entire cast join in singing 'We're getting married in the morning!'}
Prince Zack: We're getting married in the morning! Ding dong!
The bells are gonna chime. Pull out the stopper!
Let's have a whopper! But get us to the church on time!
We gotta be there in the mornin'
Spruced up and lookin' in our prime.
boys, come and kiss us;
Show how you'll miss us.
But get us to the church on time!
If we are dancin' Roll up the floor.
If we are whistlin' Whewt us out the door!
For we're gettin' married in the mornin'
Ding dong! the bells are gonna chime.
Kick up a rumpus But don't lost the compass;
And get us to the church, Get us to the church,
For Gawd's sake, get us to the church on time!
Prince Zack and Everyone: We're getting married in the morning
Ding dong! the bells are gonna chime.
Prince Zack: Mako us or jail us, Stamp us and mail us.
All: But get us to the church on time!
We gotta be there in the morning
Spruced up and lookin' in our prime.
Prince Zack: Some Turk who's able, lift up the table,
All: And get em to the church on time!
Prince Zack: If we are flying, then shoot us down.
If we are wooin', get us out of town!
All: For we're getting married in the morning!
Ding dong! the bells are gonna chime.
Prince Zack: Feather and tar us;
Call out the SOLDIERs; But get us to the church.
All: Get us to the church...
Prince Zack: For Gawd's sake, get us to the church on time!
All: Starlight is reelin' home to bed now.
Mornin' is smearin' up the sky. Midgar is wakin'.
Daylight is breakin'. Good luck, old chums,
Good health, goodbye.
Prince Zack: We're gettin' married in the mornin'
Ding dong! the bells are gonna chime...
Hail and salute us, then haul off and boot us...
And get us to the church, Get us to the church...
For Gawd's sake, get us to the church on time!
{Curtain Falls}
~ Finis ~
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And why do I get the feeling that boot should be familiar?
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And the boot...? In what way my dear? *coughs*