A Word....

[sildil]

I said to myself I wouldn't do this. I decided it would be ill advised and unprofitable. I don't normally sound off in my LJ. It's primarily a place for posting my pics, until I get a site sorted out, occasional stories and the odd comment about life in general.

Apart from ranting to a few who know me well, the vast majority of whom I have met in real life, I tend not to use this facility to sound off. However, there comes a time when keeping quiet and simply ignoring the abuse is not the answer. Partly, as I have found other people have also suffered the same level of criticism, manipulation, sniping, and abusive emails, and while we all keep quiet and don't rock the boat, the perpetrators get away with it time and time again.

Facts:

1. My playing in a very small, private RP group was not a secret. I bored to death anyone on IM who was around to listen. It was not my group, I had no say in the running of it at the time, though I do now. Why I should be taken to task about it is beyond me, surely it's entirely my business with who I spend and what I do with my spare time.

2. I was not asked to put my apparently 'incestuous picture' behind a LJ cut. I was simply told by one person that my latest pictures were 'too dark' for some tastes. I replied and explained that I put things behind cuts if and only if I consider them to be above a PG13 rating. The picture in question was of two affectionate brothers and any other interpretation, I am afraid is in the mind of the person viewing it. Apart from then receiving verbal abuse via email (and I quote: "My dear, look these up in your dictionary: "Fag Hag" and "Pathetic Middle Age Crone". Then try the phrase "Mutton dressed as lamb." They are from me alone to you......As far as I am concerned, you may go fuck yourself because no one else will") nothing was actually mentioned to me about any one particular picture and the first I heard about it being the drawing I did of the twins, was via a third party, who had received another even more sickeningly abusive rant in their email box. *Creaky sound of goal posts being shifted*

3. LJ friendship to me is really rather superficial. You friend me, I friend you. We comment in each other's journals sometimes, sometimes we don't. I am always happy to see a comment, but not heartbroken if I don't. I use filters on occasion, so as not to bore people with stuff I know they might not be interested in, and I filter my friends page as I honestly haven't the time to read everyone's posts each day, but I usually find time to catch up on reading the others at some point each week. Being 'defriended' really is not a big issue to me. You don't like what I post? Then don't look at it or read it. I assume that people who really consider me a friend, would be talking to me on IM or mailing me and not solely relying on my LJ for the relationship to work.

4. Yes I did join in with the argument over 'gay marriage'. I feel very strongly about this indeed, and belong to two Christian gay and lesbian action groups who are fighting among other things for the right to marry in church. I am afraid though that I did fight unfairly and have apologised to the person concerned. We have agreed to disagree on certain points, and are friends once more, for which I am very thankful. But I will say that to post a nasty comment in MY LJ to that person's innocent remark, just because one wishes to continue to harass and make trouble merely results in it being deleted. Similarly any other derogatory comment that is made to any of my friends.

I do not like bullies. I do not like people who seek to control or manipulate others weaker and more vulnerable than themselves. I do not like people who use their friendship like a carrot; 'do this and I will be your friend'; 'let me down' in some trivial way, (like not being online at some ridiculous hour of the night) and I will make sure you suffer for it; go along with my little game and do what I want to do, but if you actually have the nerve to say you won't, I will find some excuse to humiliate and belittle you. This is playground behaviour of the worst sort. I have always told my kids not to stand for it, and I would urge others not to either. Bullies only get their way if they are allowed to do so, stand up to them and they resort to cowardly, ineffectual name calling.

EDIT: Uli's experiences here...

Comments

[jaiden-s.livejournal.com]

((hugs))
Well said, Dawg.

[sildil]

Thanks, it had to be said. Far too much takes place sneakily, in the dark where no one can see. It's how bullies work, they make sure no one can actually see what they are doing, then when the light is shone on their actions, they are the first to scream 'dishonourable behaviour'.

[perseph2hades.livejournal.com]

I'm sitting here trying not to be stunned by all this, and failing. I don't know why it always comes as a shock to find out that online people want to mess with others like this. Though I usually stay out of these things, I was hurt that you in particular were going through this, and wanted to throw in my support encouraging you to do things your way.

Each of us has our way of dealing with things like this, and I have no doubt you'll handle it as you see fit. You're obviously making an effort to be conscientious about how you post, interact online, etc, and it's simply too much to ask that you bend over backwards until you break. At a certain point others should feel free to take responsibility for their own online navigation.

But no matter how upset a person gets at you, no one should be talked to the way you were in that email. I’m not even clear on why you’re being harassed for postings, or voicing your opinions on issues.

The one thing I have become clear on, being online for so short a time, is that if a person’s behavior seems bizarre, that’s because it is. You just don’t know what’s going on in their real life, in their heads, or whether they’re actually aliens conducting sociological experiments on human beings. Because you know, sometimes the latter is the only explanation that makes sense to me.

Anyway, please keep drawing and writing and playing online, and focusing on the things that make it all fun. You are certainly a wonderful person to have on my flist.

[sildil]

Thank you for your support. I appreciate it very much - I HAVE tried to be careful but because I told a few close friends, I was considered 'dishonourable' by these people. Well, so be it. I know I am not. Thanks very much again.

[sus1206.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you were treated so horribly and sorry that I didn't see them for what they were sooner. Bravo to you for standing up to this.

[sildil]

Thank you so much, it means a lot to me to hear that.

[elbereth-elena.livejournal.com]

Oh for crying out loud! It makes me absolutely hopping mad hearing how childish some people can be when they don't like what their own mind adds to a situation.
*hugs*

[sildil]

Thanks for the support and the hugs! It means a lot, and I know it means a lot to those people who didn't dare say anything on many occasions, some of whom I know will read what Uli and I have put, and the supportive comments.

[alexcat.livejournal.com]

You know you have my support. I think we all should uplift and help one another here online and in the fandom... this is what so many of us do for a bit of fun or for escapism from the stress of the real world.

Anything I can do... let me know!

[sildil]

Thank you, and thank you for your support in the past too. I agree, we need to keep the fandom fun to play in! After all that's what we are here for. I'll bear your offer in mind!

[fimbrethiel]

I don't know you except by reputation - in a good way *grin* - but I do know Uli, and you both have my support.

Best,
Fim~

[sildil]

Thank you very much Fim, I really appreciate it.

[majinbakahentai.livejournal.com]

If your critics see the picture as incestuous then it is their problem that they interpreted the picture as such. The picture in and of itself is not incestuous and if they see it as such it means they have incest on the brain, not that you have done anything wrong.

[sildil]

Thess were exactly my feelings...all the talk of 'dark pictures' I honestly didn't give that particular one a moment's thought - it wasn't particularly shadowy!

[majinbakahentai.livejournal.com]

The only two pictures I can think of straight off that may have been called dark (that I distinctly remember looking at) was Feanor and Earendil but they were not so much dark as possessing a lot of contrast. They sound like they're nitpicking, really.

[sildil]

Quite, and the ones I did after the one of the twins, one of Fingon the warrior, and another of Matthew the Raven (from Neil Gaiman's 'Sandman' graphic novels) for Onyx, but as you point out, they had lots of contrast and shadows. I actually thought it was the raven one that they were referring to in fact!

[enismirdal.livejournal.com]

*loves Fingon one* Fingon one very hot. :D

[sildil]

LOL Thank you!

[fanabana.livejournal.com]

Aww lamb I'm really sorry you've had to put up with crap like this. :(

[sildil]

Thank you - I have put up with it till now, but as you see, I'm not putting up with it any longer. One individual getting shit thrown at them happens occasionally, but when it gets into 6 or 7 or even 8, then is definitely the time to speak up.

[orchydconstyne.livejournal.com]

*snuggles* You know I have supported you since the beginning, Iaurnaneth. :) *huggles* I love you.

[sildil]

I know you have, and for that I have been very grateful. *hugs back*

[aperfectdot.livejournal.com]

I am so glad that we are friends again. *huggles* I missed you greatly.

Mir

[sildil]

I am very glad too! ......now about gay marriage! ((((((((Mir))))))))

[eowyns-musings.livejournal.com]

Hmmm, are we talking about the first version of the RP, or the new one (before it was taken over)?

As for LJ 'friendships'... Right you are. This has nothing to do with friendship at all me thinks. It's just: I like to read your journal, so for the sake of my laziness I friend you so I don't have to go to your journal to read what you write. Does that make sense? *scratches chin* I have a total of 5 people I'd call friends here on LJ (with the exeption of some that I also know IRL). And they are my friends because we also talk on IM and email (as you said yourself). The rest are aquaintances, some of which I'd like to get to know better. And since we're playing in a RP together, I'd very much like to get to know you a little better as well. However, since your "you friend me, I friend you" rule doesn't apply to me, I think you don't share that sentiment.

Anyway, I just wanted to give my two cents, as biased as they may be.

[sildil]

It was around December, so it was 'The Road Goes On' as it was set up.

And the LJ thing, that was prompted as one of the other things that was said to me was that they would 'unfriend my LJ' if I didn't put the stuff behind a cut, and my answer was, well fine. It really makes no difference to me. I actually don't keep tally of who has friended/unfriended me, and it often takes a while for me to friend someone back! Don't take it personally! Unlike some people I rarely use my LJ as a weapon or an indication of liking and disliking a person.

[say-aye.livejournal.com]

~huggles Sil tightly~ I’m so sorry you are treated like this, Sil. T_T

I don’t see any of your pics you posted on LJ are too dark and I still find the twins pic brotherly. ~rubs chin~

I assume that people who really consider me a friend, would be talking to me on IM or mailing me and not solely relying on my LJ for the relationship to work.

Hmm I could say that I don’t IM often due to uni stuffs and my site/pics/mood themes/whatever but I like my online friends and consider them friends. LJ is almost the only way I use to connect with everyone. If IM and mailing mean real friend, then I might have no friend at all in the fandom. T_T

And I like you too. <3

[sildil]

As I said to Eowyn above, the comment about LJ friendships really did spring from another issue, that of the use of LJ friending as a weapon. I probably didn't make myself clear! The people in question seemed to think that to filter my LJ was not acceptable if they didn't like what they saw. Since it was their own rather excessive interpretaion of the pics, I said to them that I had no problem with them filtering or defriending me, as we were SUPPOSED to be friends through more than LJ whimsy, but they thought otherwise and used it as a threat. I too have several friends I only really communicate with via LJ and value them a great deal, yourself included! ((((Say)))

[say-aye.livejournal.com]

~cuddles Sil and drags her back home~ <3

[sildil]

*Puts up NO resistance* <3<3<3

[blue-blue.livejournal.com]

I actually didn't know much about these things until quite recently, as I have been "fortunate" enough to not have been involved in anything with these people. But I'm appalled at the way you and others have been treated, and I'm so glad these things are coming to light now - hoping it may cause the abuse to stop.

Nobody have the right to tell anybody else what they can or cannot post in their OWN LJ's, and absolutely NO right to tell artists how to do their art! Nobody have the right to be God and think themselves as above others or censor anybody.

Your lovely Twins picture, which I personally can't see anything even *remotely* incestous about, is your right to post anywhere you like - and I'd gladly flaunt it over at "my" place (HR) as a sign of your - and any artists - right to draw whatever you please.

Lots of hugs to you for having had to put up with this, and for finally seeing an end to it.

[sildil]

Thanks Blue, you summed it up with "...nobody have the right to tell anybody else what they can or cannot post in their OWN LJ's..." and the same goes for ALL those of us who have been told they shouldn't post things, should put things behind a cut, shouldn't put things behind a cut, should change their 'staus messages' on IM, should RP in a certain way...I could go on and on but you get the point.