You'll find me at the bottom of the list...

[sildil]

Readers of my LJ may recall the occasional posts I have made about my Dad down in London. We've always had an up and down relationship, probably starting when I was 3 months old and he gave me to my Gran for adoption, but that's another story...

The last time I went to see him, I said 'I am coming down to see you, and want to go over to the East End to revisit old haunts.' SO what did we do? We spent the day in central London wandering round the parts HE likes.

OK, I can deal with that, maybe Hackney and Dalston next time. Then I asked if Lizzie and I could stay over when we went down to see the Placebo concert, rather than driving back the same night. 'No, because it's getting near Christmas,' (it was the 6th December) 'and we will be busy.' Even though we were just going to be staying the one night and leaving next morning.

SO...I phoned up New Years day to say that I was coming to London the next day to bring Nick and g/f down for them to see a play (drama coursework). Could I see them in the afternoon for a coffee, so I had a break between the drive down and back (of around 2 hours each way)? 'No because we are all 'talked out' and tired and want a rest between visitors. However we could meet in London if you REALLY want to?' (Which rather puzzled me since surely trekking across town is MORE tiring?) 'OK, say around 3pm, while Nick is at the play?' I suggested. 'No, because I want to be coming away from town at that point, to avoid the rush hour.'

So what was the bloody point? So I scrapped that idea, did my own thing and had a much better day NOT seeing him and shopping and so on, it was just rather tiring.

Now this morning I get a card from his wife (as I KNEW I would) under the guise of an 'apology' for John's antisocial old-git behaviour. Trouble is, she's made it worse! After lots of waffle and blathering on about them rather overdoing the social bit this Christmas, she went on to explain that friends of theirs had been with them for New Year, then went to Paris and were calling in again as they went back North.

"Jan and Dave have always made us so welcome when we've needed somewhere in Yorkshire and spoil us rotten when they come down, so at such times my love they come first in the energy demand, mainly because Jan loves to chatter on as you do, which is lovely but the 2 of you ..." (presumably me and Jan) "...in one week for John was a thought making him run for cover."

Well thanks very much. At least I know my place in the pecking order. I felt hurt enough before, but at least then I put it down to John's general self-centred, controlling personality, but now I just feel pissed off. I won't be suggesting seeing him again, not for a long time.

Comments

[jaiden-s.livejournal.com]

((hug))

Like I said earlier, a break would be a good idea. I'm sorry it's been so dissappointing for you.

[sildil]

Yeah I know and you are absolutely right. I certainly am not going to get myself upset over it anymore. I think a period of absence is a very good idea *hugs*

[talullahred.livejournal.com]

Well, sorry to say but it sounds like she's deliberately being a cunt rather than accidentaly. Bleh. I hate people like that. You can do better away from them.

[sildil]

She is unfortunately. She is an interfering busy body, always terribly well-meaning but actually managing to upset in the process. She's as manipulative and controlling as John in her own way, and if they were people I didn't love (which I do and always have done in spite of things) I wouldn't choose to spend time with them at all.

What gets me and upsets me is I am 51, not 15 and really you would think I have got over such stuff by now?

[mirien.livejournal.com]

I'm incoherent, I really fucking am and I knew some of it! Speechless, horrfied, MASSIVELY insulted and hurt on your behalf. Gits. Gits, gits, GITS!!!

Honestly, bloody family, most of the time I think all of us are better off without, Never a truer word than, "You can choose your friends...." and all that.

Shit. Fuck *seethe*

Let me know if you need a Nibelheim replay with them as villagers

*spit*

P.S. This icon popped up as the random one to use for this - appropriate I thought!

[sildil]

LOL YES! VERY appropriate icon!

You KNOW how hurt I was a couple of days ago as you were there when I spoke to him on the phone about popping down. Now I am just pissed off.

It's no wonder I have had rejection problems all my life, now is it!!!??

[m-carvaggio.livejournal.com]

I know why you keep trying the communication. It's because you think that one more chance will tip the balance, that parents are supposed to treat their children sweetly, and you're an optimistic and a nice person to boot. The trouble is that those two aren't. One day, maybe in another lifetime, they will be treated in the same way as they treat you and you... you'll be treated like gold. *hugs*

[sildil]

Thank you, and that has helped a lot and made me feel much better *hugs*

Yeah I always think I'll give them another chance, another try at being 'close' and the way families ought to be, but really, who am I trying to kid? He hasn't exactly got a good track record!

Your comment moved me a lot and made me feel loved, thanks xxx

[marchwarden23.livejournal.com]

Hence why you were shunted off to gran's and why he is hanging out with his current shrew.
Because they're selfish, thoughtless assholes.
Do what I do. Remove the people from your life who do not matter. If they can't give a care about you, there's no reason you should keep trying. Lavish your love on those who would understand it's value and return it in kind.
Don't let this bullshit get to you. You're better than that and stronger by far. Let it go.

[sildil]

Exactly right and to the point as always.

And I also think on the strength of your comment that it's pointless, time wasting and boring trying to write a letter to them as I was going to do. Why waste more time fretting over something I am not going to change and will only give them something else to whine about? Better rather to let them sit and wait for me to contact them again, which ain't gonna happen.

'...Lavish your love on those who would understand its value and return it in kind...' Absolutely.

<3<3<3

[nienna-weeper.livejournal.com]

(((((Sil)))))

That sucks. I'm sorry... What a rotten deal.

I know more fathers that just don't give a rip about their kids. It's sad and somewhat pathetic... and so unfair to the kids.

I wubs you. *smooches*

[sildil]

(((((nienna)))))

Yeah quite! And he hasn't exactly been brilliant with my half brother and sister either!

Awwww thank you, it means a lot to me! xxx

[deathangelgw.livejournal.com]

*hugs her tightly and wraps her up in a warm blanket where no one can bother her* m'so sorry honey...*sighs, unable to say more and just squishes her close*

[sildil]

Thank you, and no need to say anything in fact, it's just nice to know people care and are interested :) x

[delaese.livejournal.com]

I know just how you feel love. It's brutally hard knowing we are not the people our parents care about. On the upside, I got your card and the calendar; I love the calendar.

[sildil]

Yeah exactly. I would never treat my kids that way, ever.

And YAY for the calendar! Glad you like it, it's a great laugh and the blokes are nice! Thank you for your BEAUTIFUL card as well, which I got yesterday. I feel honoured to get a hand painted one, its gorgeous! xxx

[delaese.livejournal.com]

::Hugs.:: You are so welcome. I wanted to make a special one for all the people I love best. I wanted to show you that I was there with you in spirit. I ran out of time though and had to send Jen just a storebought one. But I did give her a little crystal kitty brooch. Next year I will start making them earlier.

[sildil]

I'll frame it and hang it on my wall :)

[delaese.livejournal.com]

AWWWWWWWW!!!!! I am so honoured!!!!

[karamarie-mckay.livejournal.com]

That's a shame that things are like that, and I sure do understand. I don't know if this needs saying or not, but if it does - it's not your fault. It's something up with your dad not understanding, and not something that's wrong with you.

Kara

[sildil]

Thanks, and it DID need saying and I needed reminding of it. It's easy to forget that it isn't my problem/fault when this sort of thing happens. 'Understanding' is not John's strong point at all, and never has been. *hugs*

[erestor.livejournal.com]

It's rare, but I lack words. But see, in the end, it's not his pecking order that counts, but yours. And if he's at the bottom, then it's entirely his fault!

[sildil]

Wow! Yeah the only words I could think of at first were actually rather rude. You are absolutely right of course, it is my pecking order that counts and it IS his loss.

For an intelligent man (which he is, extremely, PhD and all that stuff) he lacks a lot of basic humanity. His world view is entirely cynical.

[erestor.livejournal.com]

You're the top of the food chain, never forget that!

PhD's and an IQ of 160 mean nothing if they are not accompanied by emotional intelligence. And as far as that bit is concerned, his IQ probably ranges in the same league as his shoe size. >:(

[sildil]

ROTFL! Yeah you are right. I could tell you stories of past miseries he has inflicted on various members of the family, but it would take FAR too long. Maybe some time over a glass or several of wine!

LOVE the icon btw :D

[loll-3000.livejournal.com]

I must admit I'm beyon words. I'd given up much early but I'm not very tolerant.
I think a break is in order, maybe time will soften things.

[sildil]

I've given up and then given him another chance so often that it's now habit, and I think that is partly the problem. He knows that I will tolerate it.

There will certainly be a break, if only to stop me saying something I might regret...although I don't think I would actually be sorry at all.

[chloe-amethyst.livejournal.com]

*HUGE HUGS*

Odd how I was just chatting with my therapist this week about always being at the bottom of father's and husband's lists. I know it hurts terribly and is an awful, ongoing betrayal, but it has absolutely nothing to do with you and shame on that worm of a stepmother to imply such.

Happily you've not inherited your father's undersized heart. Also unlike him, you've not wrapped barbed wire around it. Thus your children will know you love them and fight for their happiness. As far as future dealings with father and worm-woman, you have every right to be around people who help you feel better about yourself, and every right to diminish contact with those who help you feel badly.

[sildil]

You know I almost didn't post anything about this latest slap, mainly as I generally try to keep my LJ free of such things, but I am so glad I did as so many of you have said really useful things, your comment being the latest.

I've always put the kids on the top of my list because of having to put up with the stuff I have from my Dad and my adoptive mum, my Gran. Fortunately my Grandad was an amazing and wonderful person, and did more for me as I grew up than any of the others. Thank you for reminding me of the things that matter and the advice.

I love my f-list!

*hugs*